elizaskinner.net - the jambox

I Eat Pandas is writing a musical. Yep - WRITING it! Well, so far we’re just pitching ideas, but you can keep up with our progress through our videolog.

Well, ALMOST.

This time of year the streets of New York get even more clogged with slow-moving tourists looking for starbucks and that one homesless man who is really Santa (hint: unless Santa masturbates in a cardboard box, he’s not in our lobby. Move along.) At a certain point you have to just stop fighting them and surrender the city to the loud dumb hicks.

This year’s battle is lost - I knew that when I found the door to my office building blocked by two families covered in snacks and cameras, laughing about how they both wanted to take pictures in the same place and you go first, no you, oops, oh well, isn’t that funny???? My instinct to scratch all their eyes out gave way to a calm voice that said “This place is theirs now. And its crawling with cops.”

But in an effort to help Eliza 2009, here are some tips for NYC tourists:

• Remember that you are fat. Everyone has a little bubble of personal space around them. New Yorkers have a very thin yet firm bubble that allows us to stand uncomfortably close to other people on the subway without acknowledging them or having a panic attack. Your bubble is giant and floppy and squishy and needs to move it’s fucking bag off the subway seats.
• Hold On to the Goddamn Subway poles. I know, I know, you are living your Point Break dream on the subway. You are proving that just like a REAL New Yorker, you don’t need to hold on to anything - you just surf the MTA wave. Except real New Yorkers all hold on to the poles. Here is what will happen to you: the train will start or stop more suddenly than you think, you will stumble, and you and your friends will all laaaaaugh, and then someone will murder you. You want to get murdered? Hold on to the pole.
• We walk the way you drive. So walk faster. Also, DO NOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF A SIDEWALK, OR AT THE TOP OF STAIRS. Anywhere, really. Pull off the to a rest area if you must stop.
• People work here. And not like in a Disney World sort of way - we have real jobs that have nothing to do with your vacation. It is must be thrilling to see all the people going to work on Wall Street - just like in the movies -  but we need to GET TO WORK, so LET US.

New Christmas video from Greg & Lou! But, instead of Lou, there’s me.

I would tear out my two front teeth for these boots.
Please let me know if Frye has this type of exchange program. 

I get irritated by a lot of things. Slow walkers, bags on subways seats, and the phrase “I could care less” all easily make my vision pool with blood. But nothing bugs me more than when someone rolls their eyes at something I say…then a few years later tells me the same goddamn thing like it’s a late breaking story. Oh yeah? Really? You think podcasting is cool? What’s that? Improv is good for communication skills? You don’t say! HM???? WHY YES, I HAVE HEARD OF WATCHMEN.

I am going to poison the next person who tells me to read Watchmen. Poison them right in the dick. Don’t worry, the nerds of the world are safe, because no real sallow-skinned nerd would ever suggest to another that they should read Watchmen. That would be like telling a regular person that they should not shit in their sleep. WE KNOW.

For years my friends eyes would gloss over when I mentioned comic books. They only half-listened to anything involving comic book characters they couldn’t get on lunchboxes, so my explanations of Watchmen just confused them and left them with a sense that I was into naked aliens and date rape. They curled their lips and rolled their eyes and tried to find quick segues into conversations about the VMAs. But now these SAME EXACT PEOPLE are all “Hey - you should check out The Watchmen”, which to me sounds like “Hey - you should punch me in the mouth”.

So, let this be a warning: if you tell me anything about Watchmen - a story originally published TWENTY TWO YEARS AGO - you better know an awful lot of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons, and I’ll still probably stab you in the neck.

Rejoice, nerds, for he is come! He, of course, being Wolverine. Behold the dopeness that is the new trailer for the Wolverine movie!

Giggity giggity, am I right ladies? I think that Iron Man effectively taught the world that superhero movies aren’t just for guys - they are for anyone who gets a boner watching tortured muscley men gasp to life and then punch people. Plus, Tim Riggins as Gambit!!

To be totally honest with you people, I was never a big Wolverine fan and I always hated (HATED) Gambit. I came of age in a retarded Jim Lee/ Rob Liefeld age where super-masculine male characters were so pointlessly aggro they all bored me. And Gambit had a stupid head thing. What was that? Was it to keep his brains in? It looks pretty douchey.

Maybe I just didn’t like smokers.

BUT! I am so excited about this movie that my pants accidentally fell off.

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In other nerd happenings, I am appearing at the Comic Book Club Anniversay/Holiday Party/Show tomorrow night at the PIT, along with MC Chris and Timmy Williams from Whitest Kids U Know. Come see us nerd out!

COMIC BOOK CLUB
A Live Weekly Talk Show about Comic Books

Hosted by Justin Tyler, Pete LePage, and Alex Zalben

Tuesday, December 16th @ 8:00 PM

Featuring:
***The Comic Book Club Holiday Party***
with Timmy Williams (Whitest Kids U Know)
Eliza Skinner (Stickerbook)
and MC Chris

Tickets: $5
Online: ThePIT-NYC.com
Phone: 1-800-838-3006
Questions? 212-563-7488

The Peoples Improv Theater
154 West 29th Street, 2nd Floor
Between 6th and 7th Aves.

I won’t grow up / I don’t wanna wear a tie / Or a serious expression / In the middle of July. 

I have two looks when it comes to dressing myself - Very Fancy Lady, and t-shirt dumpster. This is fine when I’m going to a Very Fancy Event, or a badger hunt/comedy show. But at almost all other times I am either uncomfortable or making other people uncomfortable. Comments like “Wow, you look really nice. Are you going somewhere later?” and “Huh, funny t-shirt. What happened to the ass of your jeans…uh, nevermind,” are equally bad signs. What’s a grown-ass dame supposed to be wearing? Chico’s? I would rather tear off my eyelids.

I have tried to achieve a middle ground by mixing and matching the fancy and dumpy - but I just end up looking like a 13-year-old who is angry that she has to spend Thanksgiving with her family. (”If you’re cold, honey, you can wear that nice sweater your grandmother gave you, not that hamburger sweatshirt. I don’t know what that hamburger means, and there’s a hole in the armpit. You look much prettier when you smile!”) Once I got ready for a date with the help of my friend, Pat - a bearded man who dresses exclusively in black anime t-shirts - and ended up in a New Years Eve dress, dirty vans, and a broken backpack. Other girls get dressed with girlfriends and end up looking like slutty princesses - I pre-game with other nerds and end up looking like I am ready to make a speedy getaway on a skateboard with my pet dinosaur.

I suppose this shouldn’t be a major problem, but I am starting to worry that it is indicative of a larger issue. If I cannot dress for the job/life I want, how can I ever live it? I have watched my friends become more and more successful, as I brush doritos crumbs off of my hilarious t-shirt and continue to dick around making zombie movies. Maybe the problem is just that I can’t dress like a grown-up. I am still dressing in the styles I mastered in 3rd grade (playdate or Christmas). Maybe I think Chico’s is horrible because it is clothing for WOmen, with BOOOSOMS and WOMBS, instead of rags for chicks like me, with titties and babytraps.

So it looks like I am going to have to grow up a little, at least in terms of what I wear. From now on I am putting a spending freeze on funny t-shirts, and investing instead in sweaters. I can’t promise I won’t buy myself some fly dunks, but I might also get a pair of sensible flats. Ugh. Gross. No I won’t - Rome wasn’t built in a day, and it also wasn’t miserably boring. Baby steps.  

 UPDATE: Nevermind! New wardrobe here: http://www.animalmascots.com/foam.php

Thanks, DBilly.

This is my new favorite thing. Please share it with your loved ones this holiday season.  I hate to get sappy, but I think this video proves that friendship is precious and beatiful.

via Matt Sears Forever

I did some stand up at Derrick’s “This Is New York” show in Long Island City last night. It was a really fun show, but I was again reminded that I am OLD. Too old. My references are all 5-10 years off. My audiences are slipping from “oh yeah, my older sister used to watch that show” and into “my mom used to watch that show. On dvd. When she was a baby.”

Case in point, the following joke which lived a short life - one show. No one got it. I think it’s funny! Oh well. I am also purging all my “If you ask me, this Depression isn’t so Great!” and “Horseless carriage? I’ll believe it when I feed it!” material. Or maybe I’ll just send it all to Eddie Izzard. (ZING! ZING! He does history jokes! Get it? Ughh.)

Anyway - here is my dead joke. If you get it, you too are old.

“When they released the first season of Sesame Street on DVD, it came with a warning that is was not suitable for children. Apparently it doesn’t teach kids the right lessons, by today’s standards. I think that’s a shame, but to be fair, for the first 8 years of my life I spelled my name ‘E L I Z CookieMonster’”.

After the dust from the presidential election cleared, us sane straight folks looked around for the gay unicorns on our arc of Hope and Change, they were no where to be found. Prop 8 in California, Prop 102 in Arizona, and Florida Amendment 2 - all opposing gay marriage - all passed in state elections. I think that, just like the 2004 election, most of us with brains hadn’t worried too much about these initiatives passing because, like Bush, they seemed too retarded for people to actually vote for. Again, we were wrong.

I did a lot of research on line to try to figure out why anyone would support this kind of legislature. The argument seems to be ”Gay marriage undermines the value of marriage”. That makes no sense. How does one person’s marriage reflect or define the quality or meaning of someone else’s? I mean, do people opposed to gay marriage also equally oppose marriage between criminals? Mentally challenged people? Celebrities? Are they ok with any “undermining” those types of marriages might do?  You know what it is? CRAZY. And bigotted.

And that’s the real truth - there IS no rational argument against gay marriage. It is biggotry, plain and simple. It is dirty and ugly and anyone who supported any of these propositions should be ashamed of themselves. I don’t care if you’re my friend, my family, or my fan. If you support this, Fuck You. I can’t even be funny about this - it makes me sick.

Prop 8 goes against everything that the United States of American was founded on. This country was supposed to be a haven where people could pursue life liberty and happiness. Everybody. Not just white people, not just straight people.

The up side is that the gays are fucking OVER it now, big time. There have been Prop 8 protests all over the country over the past week. 104 retired military leaders (many of them gays and lesbians) just signed a statement calling for an end to the military’s “don’t ask-don’t tell” policy - pushing to allow gay military personnel to serve openly. It seems that the gay community here in the US is not going to take it anymore. Good.

This last election was a wake up call - a reminder of what America is capable of when we work for change, and that there is still a lot of ugliness that needs changing. Yes we can.

http://www.jointheimpact.com

http://daywithoutagay.org/